The Lightning Thief In a Can
by Ellethwen
Summary: The Lightning Thief, condensed like a can of soup.
1. I Commit Murder With A Pen

**The Lightning Thief In a Can**

_The Lightning Thief, condensed like a can of soup._

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Rick Riordan's. Srsly. Unless I eat his soul.

**Author's Notes: **So, it's been like...an uber long time since I've posted one of these parodies. Hopefully I'll be able to regain my skill for them as I plan to parody the whole series. I had to reference the book extensively throughout and doctor my inspiration with a lot of Numa Numa.

I would appreciate it if you wouldn't approach this story in a serious manner. It's not meant to be serious. Yes, I've tried hard to make a good parody. You might think it's stupid, but you know what? I honestly don't care. I've been condensing things like this for a while even if I hadn't posted them, so it's not like I'm copying anyone.

Also, all the misspellings here are probably on purpose. Such as "academny" for academy.

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**Chapter 1: I Commit Murder With A Pen**

**Voice-Over**

PERCY: So, you know, being a half-blood _really sucks _and you probably shouldn't read this 'cause you might be one of us and OH NO THAT WOULDN'T BE GOOD. Because then _they _will sense you. Mmmhmm.

**Pancy-Fancy-Yancy Academny of "Troubled Kids"**

PERCY: So. Yeah. Introductions. Well, my name is Perseus Jackson. But call me Percy. I'm 12 years old. And...I'm a troubled kid. Yeah.

PERCY: Anyways, we were going on this field trip, and field trips and me generally don't mix, so I tried taping myself to my bunk so I wouldn't have to go, but I underestimated the power of scissors, so here we are.

**The Bright Yellow Bus of DEWM**

[Nancy Bobofit is throwing wads of sandwich at Grover. What, do they offer sandwich cart service on the bus? Or did she make sandwiches for this purpose? Anyways, Grover is being a big weenie about it and Percy can't believe he's friends with a person who's this much of a wimp.]

PERCY: GROVER JUST FREAKING LET ME SOCK HER LIGHTS OUT, OKAY?

GROVER: NO PERCY WE CANNOT RUIN THE PLOT.

PERCY: ...there's a plot?

**The Museum of Nowhere**

[They all arrive at the museum and Mr. Brunner, who is apparently so old he could keel over and die any moment, leads them around. Accompanying them is Mrs. Dodds the math teacher who is apparently made of bad-assery. She has a _leather jacket._]

[They come across a stele, and start talking about it a lot.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: OMG a naked guy!

PERCY: JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?

MR. BRUNNER: Jackson, do you have something to say?

PERCY: No.

MR. BRUNNER: [He points at a picture on the stele.] Could you tell us what this picture is of?

PERCY: I said I don't have anything to-

[Mrs. Dodds gives him the evil eye and he shapes up right away.]

PERCY: I mean. That's Kronos eating his kids which is really freaky and I hope no one takes him as their role model.

MR. BRUNNER: Atta boy.

[Because Nancy Bobofit is possessing of the Annoying Gene, she _has_ to bring up something else.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: WE'RE NEVER EVER GONNA USE THIS.

MR. BRUNNER: Percy. Explain why we're never ever gonna use this!

PERCY: ...well...we really _aren't_...unless you go into Medieval Studies or something freakish and decidedly useless like that.

MR. BRUNNER: **D:**

[They talk more about Kronos, and then troop off outside, the girls holding their stomachs for some reason I will never understand. Mr. Brunner has to stop Percy, who really seems to be his punching bag for the day.]

MR. BRUNNER: So. Percy. You really need to learn how to contradict the Bobofit freak. 'cause you really will need this in life.

PERCY: O...kay?

MR. BRUNNER: Cheerio!

[The two go outside to eat, which unfortunately has to be around a fountain. Nancy Bobofit decides that Grover apparently hasn't eaten enough and dumps half of her lunch in his lap.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: Ooops.

PERCY: RARGHDIE

[Water learns to miraculously transmaterialize. Or, really, it splashes all over Nancy. And pulls her in. It's demon water!]

NANCY BOBOFIT: PERCY PUSHED ME MRS. DODDS.

[Mrs. Dodds also learns to transmaterialize, as she happens to show up in, like, a nanosecond. The kids are all whispering about the Demon Water.]

MRS. DODDS: So. Honey.

PERCY: Can I erase workbooks for a month? 'cause then I can just copy all their answers, you know.

MRS. DODDS: **:|**

[Because there is a daily cap on smart-assery, Mrs. Dodds makes Percy come with her to the museum. Maybe her punishment is to make him look at bad art or something. And because it is a Plot Point, Mr. Brunner is reading and totally ignores everything although there's no way he could have missed the Bobofit Scream.]

[Mrs. Dodds starts to growl, which is really freakish.]

MRS. DODDS: You're like the poster child for giving people problems.

PERCY: Yeah.

MRS. DODDS: We were going to find you out soon. Confess!

PERCY: Oh crap. Was it _Tom Sawyer_?

MRS. DODDS: ...whut?

PERCY: ...whut?

MRS. DODDS: Whatever. DIE.

[Mrs. Dodds immediately becomes even more bad-ass as she transforms into a bird thing that sounds like the most awesome thing this side of living. Or maybe dying.]

PERCY: HOLYCRAPWHATTHEEFFFFFF.

[Mr. Brunner, who is possessing of an Excellent Sense of Timing, happens to show up right then and do something that maybe would have been more helpful in a writing contest. He throws a pen at Percy. Thanks, grandpa!]

PERCY: What is the pen for-

[He grabs the pen, which immediately transforms into a bronze sword. Everyone immediately had the biggest case of Pen Envy ever.]

PERCY: ...wow.

[Mrs. Dodds snarls and flies at Percy, who just kind of awkwardly swings the sword. It hits her in the shoulder and passes through very easily while hissing (oh biology, you're so mysterious! Especially when we're talking about mythological biology!) and she screams like the Wicked Witch of the West after Dorothy gave her a bath.]

PERCY: ...damn.

[Because Mr. Brunner is magical and sparkly, he disappeared and Percy was left alone. ALONE. So he trots outside, holding a pen like a sword because apparently, the pen is as mighty as the sword.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: I hope Mrs. Kerr whipped your butt!

PERCY: ...are you high? Who's Mrs. Kerr?

NANCY BOBOFIT: ...are you high? Our teacher!

PERCY: Grover...where's Mrs. Dodds?

GROVER: ...are you high?

[Percy trots over to Mr. Brunner, because surely the old guy is sane.]

MR. BRUNNER: Thanks for brining me my pen back Jackson!

PERCY: Where's Mrs. Dodds?

MR. BRUNNER: ...Mrs. Dodds doesn't exist.

[Percy immediately has the worst identity crisis ever, because apparently Mrs. Dodds never existed.]


	2. Old Ladies Equal Doom

**Chapter 2: Old Ladies Equal Doom**

**Author's Notes: **The updates on this will be pretty sporadic. It depends on how I'm feeling, largely. And thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. You guys are the bestest ever! :3

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**Voice-Over**

PERCY: So, like, a lot of weird stuff's been happening, like really violent storms. And Grover's still a loser. Yeah.

PERCY: Anyways, I called one of my teachers an "old sot" and that promptly got me expelled. I didn't even know what "old sot" meant, so I guess my lesson here is to never insult using something I don't know the meaning of.

**Pancy-Fancy-Yancy Academny of "Troubled Kids"**

[Final exams are coming up (cue swearing) and Percy's having a lot of trouble, to the point that he finally has to go ask Mr. Brunner for help. At night. So he heads to Old Man's Office, and hears voices coming from inside. Because Percy is a Troublemaker, he can't help but eavesdrop.]

GROVER: So I'm worried about Percy. I mean, he's gonna be alone all summer, and I don't want him to be alone. And then there was that Nice Lady.

MR. BRUNNER: We can't push him, you know that.

GROVER: But there's a _deadline. _And if we miss the deadline than the statues take over the world!

MR. BRUNNER: Just let him think that was his imagination, it'll be just fine!

[Grover puts on his best display of Weenieness ever, as he begins to cry over Grandpa's flippancy.]

GROVER: I can't-I can't screw up again though! I'm just a big screw-up then!

MR. BRUNNER: Oh now come on, don't get snot on the carpet! Now, we just need to keep Percy alive for a while-

[This is a bit frightening to be hearing, so Percy drops his book with a really loud thud. Which immediately quiets the others. Percy skitters off into a conveniently empty room nearby. Percy sees a huge shadow holding something that looks like an archer's bow, and hears a horse, which is completely bizarre.]

MR. BRUNNER: Nothing. I blame it on old age.

GROVER: Right.

PERCY: [Mutters.] Must be Grover playing dress-up again, he always had a fetish for that.

[Percy leaves his hiding place and goes back to his room, where, lo and behold, he discovers Grover, studying. There's that transmaterialization again. They should teach me.]

GROVER: Ready for the test.

PERCY: ...just leave me alone.

GROVER: Well who grabbed your nose?

PERCY: ...that was lame.

**The Day After the Dreaded Finals**

[After finals, Percy is called back my Mr. Brunner for a Talk. _Great._]

MR. BRUNNER: This is for the best, Percy. You don't belong at Yancy. Sucker.

PERCY: Yay?

MR. BRUNNER: I mean, you're not normal.

PERCY: ...eff you.

[And so he storms off.]

**A Bus! A Bus!**

[They all pack and we hear that Percy is actually Not That Rich. Grover's all anxious and jumpy on the Greyhound into Manhattan, which is really confusing, so Percy—of course—has to say something.]

PERCY: ...looking for Nice Ladies?

GROVER: OMFGWTFPERCY HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.

PERCY: Dude Grover you know I eavesdrop all this time. So what's this about a summer solstice deadline?

[And now we learn Grover can't lie.

GROVER: Look I was worried you were hallucinating about demon math teachers and stuff-

PERCY: **DX**

GROVER: Just...just take my card, okay?

[Grover hands Percy a card talking about a place called Half-blood Hill. Nice name. Is it half of a Blood Hill? That would be awesome.]

PERCY: Half-

GROVER: OMGNOSHUTTUP

PERCY: ...right.

GROVER: Look Percy I have to protect you.

PERCY: wth?

BUS: BOOM, BETCHES.

[The bus has decided it no longer wants to work so they all file off. There's three Creepy Old Ladies knitting a _gigantic_ pair of socks, which probably means they have huge knitting needles. Haha, that would be really creepy to see needles that huge. The creepiest part: all of them are looking dead on at Percy.]

PERCY: Grover, did old ladies stare at you often?

GROVER: No- oh no don't tell me they're looking at you. **._.**

PERCY: Yeah, isn't it freaky? Do you think they think I'm hot?

CORPS DE OLD LADIES: Cut cut, went the thread. Slice slice, went his associates.

[Grover promptly seizes Percy and starts dragging him away (will I get a body from this?) when all of a sudden the driver wrenches this huge piece of smoking metal out of the bus and it starts working again. Was that just a random piece of metal? Or has the bus just defied it's mechanics? Anyways, they all get on again.]

GROVER: Tell me what you saw, Percy. Tell. Me. What. You. Saw.

PERCY: I saw three old ladies knitting socks.

GROVER: ... this isn't fair. **D:"**

PERCY: wtf?

GROVER: [Mutters.] They never get past sixth grade...

PERCY: ... WTF? **O.O**


End file.
